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Etiquette Tips

  • It is important to be polite and shake hands with people when you meet them, regardless of their overbites or unpleasant fragrances. Run to the bathroom to wash your hands after you do this. People are gross and carry diseases.
  • Sex in public should be carried out discreetly and as quietly as possible, especially if there are children or people you know present.
  • If you have friends with amusing or profane ringtones, call them when you know they're at the movies. It is rude to pass up on opportunities like this and it will encourage them to remember to pay more attention to their phones.
  • Executives appreciate clear communication. They also want to feel like they are one of the gang. When writing emails to executives that require their action, make it clear to them by writing the whole thing with capslock on and using lots of profanities, carets, inside jokes, and winky emoticons.
  • Avert your eyes if you accidentally catch a colleague reading porn at work. Never mention it. I mean this.
  • Don't read your employees' blogs. Don't put them on your blogroll. Don't talk to them or hang out with them unless you are in a meeting. It will just lead to trouble. Cock your head at them sometimes for no reason. Speak in obscure acronyms whenever possible. Laugh very loud.
  • Don't bum smokes from chicks. Steal them when she's taking a leak and blame the creepy bald guy at the end of the bar.
  • Complement your friends on the odd things about them that they are probably insecure about, and rub them a lot. The puppy dog look is your friend.
  • Don't put up posters or bumperstickers or signs about Jesus. Nobody cares about you.
  • When approaching a professional sex worker it is nice to make polite small talk about politics and the weather before getting to the good stuff.
  • Update your damn blog! The alternative is just impolite.

June 22, 2005 in Random Thoughts | Permalink


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okay, the executive email comment.... yeah that one actually did make me laugh out loud.

guess it hasn't been so long since i've been in the RealWorld after-all.

Posted by: jameskitty | Jun 22, 2005 6:34:12 PM

Hey! I am the creepy bald guy at the end of the bar!

Posted by: Jacken | Jun 22, 2005 7:57:59 PM

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